Making Up After a fight
So you had a fall-out, a fight, a row or even maybe you broke up? A real hurtful, raw and seemingly no way back from, toxic kind of argument, the kind that you feel there is no way back from.
So now what? Just one thing will start the process of reconciliation – make up and apologise!
Making Up and How to do it right
It doesn’t really matter if the other person started it, was more hurtful (you can’t actually know how hurt they are) or that they said the cruelest things, an argument whether it be with a friend, work colleague, parent, child or lover takes two people to add oil to the fire, one of you has to take the initiative and start making up, putting things back on a more even keel.
By apologising as soon as it is practicable, you are sending a message that although you both said hurtful things, that it got out of hand and that a lot of what was said was not meant. This is important, because after a fight we tend to play over and over again in our minds what we heard. Making up as soon as possible is most beneficial.
Maybe there are some issues which need to be explored deeper and in a more gentle way, but now is not the time for that, its easier to have discussions about issues when things are calm and settled and the status quo has been returned.
When one party apologises for their part in the row, the other will often apologise too, but don’t get angry if they take a little longer to bury their hurt than you did, we all recover from these hurtful exchanges at different paces, be patient and a calmer time will eventually come.
If words are difficult to express a hug or a touch can often be much more symbolic, I remember in the past, before I got my own past hurts sorted, that after a fight I could not forgive for days but often started by holding my partners finger, (the hand hold was way too much) be aware that hurt makes up put up barriers and some are slow to let down after an argument.
Try to put the words you heard during the argument in the background and try to see the actions of the other party in the here and now, what are they saying and doing, are they trying to make up, if so meet them half way and try your very best to bring this sad happening to an end.
Don’t expect that everything is going to be ok right away, it will take time, but look for what is happening now, live in the now and not in the past where the hurt is, moving forward and not staying stuck will bring an end to these feelings of deep hurt.
Accept that there may be things you both need to explore and express further, maybe a ‘relationship check-in’ would be a good way for you to have constructive conversations about some of the issues you have.
If you would like to know more about how ‘relationship check-ins’ can benefit your relationship, then get in touch.
Awareness after the event is worth exploring, did you intentionally press buttons which you knew would hurt your partner? If so why? Was it in response to them pushing your buttons? Or did you want to hurt them? Were you angry or afraid of rejection? What was the feelings under the anger?
Learning from arguments which really damage our relationships is key to improving them, if you know that something is too hard for your partner to get over then don’t go there next time you have a disagreement, learn which buttons not to press.
Finally, don’t beat your self or your partner up for the argument, yes things got said which were hurtful, but you can discuss them at a later date, what is important is finding a way to have more constructive communication going forward.
Now is a time to forgive your partner and your self for each others actions, we all mess up, get angry, hurt our partner and then feel bad, don’t let feeling bad create more of a problem, compassion and empathy for your partner and self will make things better.