A mans head in silohetteMy babies father is not high on my list of things that I would want to talk about. You see the emotions that come up are not good for me. If asked I would say he was a good man, although he was very much a boy at the time I knew him and as I have not met him since I was 16, I have no way of knowing how he turned out.
I had not had a boyfriend and really did not want one, what I did need was to prove I was lovable and could be loved. Oh this boy loved me and this makes me feel sick and sad to say this, but I had no feelings for him at all, he could have been anyone. Would I tell his son this if he knocked on the door? I think not.
We all like to think we are a child of love. My baby was a baby of love. The day it was put to me that if  he ever came searching, he would ask about his father, I was shocked and would not even consider it. You see to this day, I would be happy to meet the man my baby has become, but to meet his father again, would fill me with shame.
This is the bit of me that I do not like, the bit I would not and do not like to look at. I worried that my child would expect me to meet up with his birth father again.
Today, I know how I would deal with that, as I have had many years to think about it, but for a long time it filled me with dread, plus the real bit of me knows, it may never happen.