I will not talk much more of my visits to these birth mother groups as my memories are more of the other birth mothers and not myself. However, the second visit to the group was so, so different to the first., laughter and giggles, girly giggles, Lucy’s giggles.
The evening started much as the first one had, with Phil asking a question of the group. The birth mothers were asked “Did the child you gave away grow up”? Asked Phil
How and what happens when you meet someone that was adopted, and is the same sex as your child?
The what happens when we meet people who turn out to be adopted and are the same sex as the child we gave birth to was an interesting question. The answers were funny and ranged from: What’s is your date of birth? to, Were you born in September? I must add, Which adoption society did you come from? Can you imagine the looks on the faces of the people confronted with these unusual sounding questions? Well it had not been more than a few weeks since I had done the same, When is your birthday!
Although I lived my life, a piece of the jigsaw that was the birth of my son, was still in the box. I came across people that touched it and gave me hope.
Most birth mothers and I am no different, still hold out hope that one day they will meet their child again. In my case I wish to say I am sorry and to try to explain. I am not his mother and never ever will be. He was my baby and I loved him so very, very much. With enough love I hope to see him through the rest of his life.
In a file, in a drawer, is a letter I wrote telling him this, it may never be read, it may never need to be. That is not hard to say, as it is fact. However, writing that letter was hard, choosing photo’s of me to go in it was even harder. I cried, oh how I cried.
You see a mother is the woman who wakes in the night when her child has had a bad dream. A mother is the one who picks you up and cuddles you when you fall or are sad, she is the person who is the constant in our lives. .All I could ever hope for is understanding and friendship.
This is not the norm, if asked, most birth mothers expect to meet up and everyone live happily every after. Well get real, life is not like that. I have been privileged to be told of searching stories and I do know of happy and oh so sad one’s too. I do feel blessed to be the person I have become.
To move on, the next thing Phil asked of me was easy to say yes to. She showed me a letter that had been written to her from an adoption agency. They ran groups for couples that wished to adopt, some were already fostering. They already had birth mothers who had open adoptions, .but no one who could share their experiences of a closed adoption, like it was in the 60’s. She was asked if she knew anyone who would be happy to talk about it and answer honestly, any question asked.
They also had birth fathers, this was actually the first time I had ever acknowledged that the father of my baby also played his part. I went to these groups for years after finishing my counselling with Phil. I missed them when I chose to stop.
This was where I found the pain and anger, as well as a few surprises about my self…
Lucy – 31st January 2013
