A depressed middle age birth motherI was in my late 30’s married and living in a very middle class area with two son’s and a husband. I had given birth to three son’s and this is the start of my growth. Having worked at home for some years, I had just started an office job when I started to have flash backs.

To this day I do not know whether they were real or shadows of the past. I had gone out of the office to buy a sandwich for my lunch and the thing I saw startled me so much I had to sit on a wall and take deep breaths. When I looked again it was gone. What I had seen was a teenage girl with an older woman getting out of a taxi, the older woman was carrying a baby.

There was a man who worked in the office where I worked, he was adopted. This was eating away at my dreams and causing me sleep problems at night. On meeting this man one of the first questions I asked was when his birthday was, not how old are you. I understand now that this is a common question and one of the few things I have in common with other birth mothers.

The things said about birth mothers such as, how can they give away a child, what kind of people can they be, they probably don’t know who the father is. None of these things had ever affected or touched me before., not until it is said to you from a person who has themselves been adopted. Oh it hurt, it hurt a lot and I wanted to scream and shout and vindicate myself, but I could not.

This was now affecting my life. You see I had always since a child of less than five lived in the day, in the moment, the past is the past and only the now counted. From where I am now this was how I had coped and it worked for me and I know it is the only way to live.

Our past does run along with us and the parallels are always there. I am enjoying my life now, like the 16 years away from everything I know. You see going away from home because I was pregnant at 16 was a great thing for me and for the first time in my life, I could be just me. This did not last back then when I was 16, but now I am 60 and it will, and I love it.

Going back, I contacted someone I respected, even if I didn’t trust them, I needed advice following the flash back, I kept saying “why now”. He put me in touch with the woman I have so much respect for, my counsellor Phil. Although I went along to see her, in my head I was kicking and screaming on the outside, but I felt I was the good girl I was supposed to be. Oh what a step and one that I will never regret.

That journey took years and the break up of a marriage, as well as the loss of another son, but I survived. Would I do it again, the answer is yes and no. Am I glad I did – yes.

Lucy – 30th January 2013