More and more people are searching Google for ‘dating coach’ and ‘marriage counselling near me’. In NYC and in London the number of people searching for ‘relationship coach’ and seeking relationship advice has hit record numbers, the story is the same globally.
Not finding the man or woman of our dreams, can make us feel like a failure, it can affect our self esteem and shake our confidence.
We can often feel that dating is a curse, or a science all of its own, well its not, its all about you, your dating wants versus your dating needs.
Dating is an extension of who we are, our pasts, our values, our backgrounds, what we heard our parents tell us we needed in a life partner and to a large extent, the type of relationship our parents had, all these can affect our search for the one.
The society we’re part of, the social circles we move in, what our families and friends expect of us and want for us, is not always what we need.
When you look at all the complexities which impact on your dating and hopes for meeting that elusive Mr or Miss right, then its no wonder dating can be fraught with challenges.
The old adage, ‘we can’t be loved by others – until we love ourself‘ is true in part, but its more that we can’t find the one, until we know difference between what we want and what we need.
If you’re in a relationship which is going wrong, have a look at this a bed of roses or a bed of nails
What we want isn’t always what we need, and what we need isn’t always what we want. This one sentence sums up the biggest barrier for people trying to meet their significant other.
Most people focus on what they want, but what we ‘need’ is the way to go. Many single people have a long, sometimes a very long list of wants, which can limit the numbers of prospective candidates for Cupid, Amor or Eros to target his arrow of love at.
By learning and understanding your needs, you can get on with the real list of attributes which are important, the givens, the absolute essentials, which will outlast and endure for eternity, the qualities which will meet your needs.
Wants change, what is important to us at age 28 is very rarely important to us at 38, but our needs are often set in stone forever.
Working with a therapist who has a broad understanding of human psychology, and the affects of attachment on our relationships, can help you untangle the various messages about what or who you need.
You may have been dating for some time and have come to the conclusion that its not working, or you may still be wondering why you aren’t meeting the right man or woman, if thats the case, you’re probably confusing want with need, exploring this can help you into the relationship which will be your forever relationship.
Dating Wants and Dating Needs
Write a list of your your desirable and your must have’s, spending time on understanding the difference between what you would like and what is non-negotiable will save you a heap of heart ache.
If you’re busy and time is another barrier, you can get relationship coaching online
You can also find relationship advice in person at www.relate.org.uk
Paul Parkin – online coach & therapist
April 2018
