Since writing my last entry in which I talked about the fourth task of mourning, I have continued to explore my thoughts and feelings, not only about how it feels to have a husband die, but also about the experience of putting what I thought and felt into words and then writing them down.
I remembered in such detail the awfulness and pain of those times but found that the hurt felt different. I realised that it has enabled me to consider my feelings and to think about them in a way that I couldn’t while I was still in there amongst them, feeling them as new.
I now wonder if the ‘writing down’ had become another task – the Fifth Task, because I think that I have a better understanding of my mourning and what was meant by the phrase in task four to ‘emotionally relocate the deceased’. I think I now understand the relationship between my late husband and the ‘now me’.
I have many memories of my children when they were small and, sometimes when somebody says or does something, even more memories are triggered and come to mind. The children are grown up now and their childhoods have ended but all the memories of that time remain.
The child is part of the adult. Similarly, David is not here in the present but all my life with him is still here and part of me. Our time together contributed to who I am and the ‘then me’ is part of the ‘now me’ and life goes on.
I can recommend performing this ‘fifth task’, of putting your thoughts into words that you can see and read through. If you would like to comment on what I have written and described, I will be pleased and interested to read them and will reply if you so wish.