Since writing my last entry in which I talked about the fourth task of mourning, I have continued to explore my thoughts and feelings, not only about how it feels to have a husband die, but also about the experience of putting what I thought and felt into words and then writing them down.
I remembered in such detail the awfulness and pain of those times but found that the hurt felt different. I realised that it has enabled me to consider my feelings and to think about them in a way that I couldn’t while I was still in there amongst them, feeling them as new.
I now wonder if the ‘writing down’ had become another task – the Fifth Task, because I think that I have a better understanding of my mourning and what was meant by the phrase in task four to ‘emotionally relocate the deceased’. I think I now understand the relationship between my late husband and the ‘now me’.
I have many memories of my children when they were small and, sometimes when somebody says or does something, even more memories are triggered and come to mind. The children are grown up now and their childhoods have ended but all the memories of that time remain.
The child is part of the adult. Similarly, David is not here in the present but all my life with him is still here and part of me. Our time together contributed to who I am and the ‘then me’ is part of the ‘now me’ and life goes on.
I can recommend performing this ‘fifth task’, of putting your thoughts into words that you can see and read through. If you would like to comment on what I have written and described, I will be pleased and interested to read them and will reply if you so wish.
Hello Ali,
Thank you for reading and wanting to know more. And what a question… certainly stimulating my thinking/feeling areas. Firstly, I think that going back to the beginning was a bit like walking into a previously locked room where I had stored all the feelings of that time and, although I had ‘moved on’ that locked room was still there. By choosing to open that door and walk into the room, I was able to ‘sort of’ re-live the feelings and find that they didn’t feel the same – the difference between living a casserole out of the over using bare hands or oven gloves. This time I had the oven gloves – the casserole was still hot, but I didn’t end up with blistered hands. I think that’s the nearest I can describe it. It fits in with my expression of ‘remembering gently’.
Secondly, I think I was able to realise, again, what a supportive group of people I had around me, my family and my friends, who were always there to help but understanding that I had to do it on my own – and by allowing me to do that, they offered me the best help I could have received. Their allowing me do that has left me feeling independent and in control of my life. I can describe myself as ‘not needy’ – I only need me to be me.
And lastly, it’s about the Tasks. When I was counselling, I found Worden’s Tasks as the nearest and most sensible model, that fitted in with what people were telling me. By reflecting back on my experiences and relating it to the Tasks as described by Worden, I have increased my understanding of the theory, of the people I counselled and whom I hope I helped, and mostly, of myself. I believe I know what Worden meant when he talks of ‘relocating the deceased….’.
I had had other bereavements in my life before this, in fact, I am realising now that my life began with loss, but they were all before I gained my ‘knowledge pool’. I think by writing of the experience, and by writing of it in order to share it with other people, has left me with such a greater understanding of people in general, of bereavement and grieving and also of life and living it, but mainly, I not only think I know myself better, I feel I know myself as I am now and I am open to the changes and chances that will become available as I live through the rest of my life.
Thank you for opening this up for me. x
I am interested to know if writing about your grief helped you even though you seem to have gone through the stages of grieving already? If so how?
Ali