There are some problems which we face in our lives that just don’t seem to shift or get any better, at least not in the time frames we would like them to. Feeling stuck can be a real downer.
I am thinking of a very difficult time a few years ago when, with the benefit of hindsight I can now know what the real problem was, more of that later.
A few years ago, 19 to be precise, I had started a new relationship in which neither of us were in the right place emotionally to do so, of course at the time we didn’t know that, we just wanted to be together. Wanting a relationship is a far cry from being able to function in one.
I remember the relationship finally ending after Four tortuous years of constant break ups and then getting back together, this happened every Four or Five days. It wasn’t all bad, there were great times too, but there was a constant anxiety of when would it end next, would my next call or sms be answered or would they switch off the phone to avoid contact. Constant anxiety like that is very difficult to live with and to function in everyday life, it is all consuming and without knowing it we can plunge into depression. Feeling stuck can over a long period of time turn into depression.
I remember going to work and just about functioning in an office environment, trying to appear in control, there were reasons I felt I couldn’t talk to anyone, family and even most of my long term friends about what I was going through, though I did have some very good friends, who probably saved my sanity.
After my work was finished, that’s when things took a real downer, it was bed and under the covers as if hiding from my problem, it was like that for Three years and in all that time I really felt I was losing my mind, feeling stuck in the grief. Why could I not move on? Why was I so stuck with being rejected? Why did I put up with it for all those years, repeating the same mistakes over and over?
I now know the answer, I had low self esteem so it was good enough for me. It was ok that I was treated like that. I have to say that my neediness must have been very difficult for my partner to cope with too, and I believe that this is not about blame, but about exploring why Two people with their own baggage may find it too overwhelming or difficult to function in a relationship, when it is hard enough to function alone, the phrase feeling stuck can be replaced with not knowing how to move forward.
After a period of grieving and a lot of moping, during which times I must have worried my friends sick, I do recall saying to my close friends that I thought I was going to lose my mind. I finally took some control of my life, things that appear now to have been simple but weren’t at the time.
I introduced structure to my days and nights, I ate better and exercised daily, these actions had an affect and enabled me to feel better, just enough to function more. I had some counselling, my opening statement to the counsellor ‘I feel stuck’ and that was the start of the recovery. My hurt wasn’t all about that relationship, my own baggage and low self esteem and self worth allowed One knock too many to almost finish me off.
As my baggage was dropped through talking in confidence to a caring and gifted counsellor, I began to understand my baggage, why I was so sensitive and needy too. I was able to slowly change and move forward. taking control and doing things for ourselves is the single most important factor in getting through despair.
The other important factor is environment, changing the situation, who is around us or where we are at. In my situation, I wrongly thought the world was against me, I moved house, I changed jobs and I made new friends, ones I could be authentic with.
It worked at the time, so it wasn’t the wrong thing to do as I did what I felt I needed to do, but with hindsight, I really didn’t need to do all that, people will usually accept people for who they are and the majority of people, especially are good friends will help us through dark times.
So feeling stuck may be about how we feel about ourselves, about our self esteem or about our baggage rather than the problem at hand.
There are few relationships that last forever, but if we can have a good relationship with self, we will never again be almost destroyed because someone else can’t be with us. Improving how we feel about ourselves will protect us and nurture us so that when we are in a relationship we can fully function and not feel stuck ever again
Paul Parkin – online counsellor and life coach
‘A journey of a thousand Miles begins with a single step’
Paul Parkin Dip. Coun. I am a counsellor, therapist and life coach. I am passionate about helping people who are hurting or in crisis. My goal is to help people reach their full potential by providing affordable counselling online to people everywhere via my counselling website – Counsellors Online. I have worked as a counsellor for the past 11 years, I have worked in several counselling settings, including – The National Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) the NHS. North East Council on Addictions (NECA) and Several telephone helplines including The Samaritans. See other posts by Paul Parkin or subscribe to his posts.
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