Most of the people who contact me for relationship advice, do so because they want to avoid dating a narcissist.
Some are already in a relationship and share their relationship problems, some are incredibly unhappy, most that are so unhappy, turn out to be dating a narcissist, married to a narcissist, or hanging out with one.
Dating a narcissist can make a relationship feel like a prison sentence and a friendship feel all one sided and unhealthy, one that eventually loses its way.
A narcissist will say one thing and do another, there will be incongruence between what they say and what they do, not just sometimes but regularly. Imagine trying to have a relationship with someone like that, and yet many people are.
Many people don’t realise they’re dating a narcissist until their therapist helps them to realise it. A lot of my clients end up seeking online therapy because their narcissist partner or friend has managed to convince them, that they (my clients) are the problem and not the narcissist.
Are you being made to feel that you’re always to blame, always getting things wrong in your relationship?
The narcissist will over time make you feel like its you that has a problem, that you are the one who needs therapy. The narcissist is smart and devious and can often convince everyone around them that they are in fact level headed and the innocent victim in a relationship with a psychopath (you).
So for those of you who are unsure of what a narcissist is, and how to deal with them.
Their words and actions are incongruent, that is they talk one way but behave in a completely different way. The adage ‘actions speak louder than words’ is a real giveaway.
Ask yourself, what did they do, pay no attention to what they said, what did they do?
Teach yourself to trust in what they did, rather than what they said they will do.
They are extremely jealous, you may have noticed this and they may have explained it away by saying they are concerned for your well-being, but its over the top jealousy disguised by their intellect and cunning.
They are critical of others, very critical, they can sound cruel with their dealings and thoughts of others, especially those they are intimate with or very close to. There will be a hidden competitive-ness to their personality. If it feels like you never get anything right, you’re not with someone who loves you, you’re with a narcissist. Read my recent post 3 relationship red flags.
Their way or version of love actually hurts, its not what love should feel like. Maybe you have made excuses for it for a long time. Of course love hugs from time to time, especially when we do something wrong, but if its all the time or regularly, then its not love.
If someone says they love us, we should feel the love.
They may have managed to convince, not only themselves, but you also, that everything is your fault, you may even have started to believe it your self. The narcissist must make them self look good and you look like you shoulder all the blame for what isn’t perfect.
Is this sounding familiar?
Are you really feeling loved or judged and blamed?
If your answers don’t sit well with you, then its likely you’re dating a narcissist, or even worse, married to a narcissist.
You can speak to someone in person at relate.org.uk or to an online therapist.
Paul Parkin – online relationship coach & therapist