Why doesn’t the feeling of being in love last forever?
The answer is all to do with our brains and the chemical it releases into our bloodstream, Phenethylamine (sometimes referred to as the love drug) is released into our blood stream on average for the first four years of an intense intimate relationship, usually when we are with or around our partner, it is sometimes call the ‘love drug’.
Scientists have carried out extensive research on the affects of the ‘love drug’ and found that after around four years, the feelings of being ‘in love’ begin to fade, for some people it can feel like the love has gone as fast as it arrived, it can be a very upsetting time if we don’t understand or have an understanding that it is normal that it will happen this way.
For the most part, the love hasn’t gone, but understanding this is very important, as many relationships flounder around the four years stage, some people feel the fading of the ‘love drug’ is directly responsible for the high numbers of separations and divorces, though I feel it is more about not having the understanding of how our feelings work and change, and not having the tools to deal with each others personal issues.
So if relationship break ups and divorces aren’t down to chemicals, what can be done to help?
Well there are no lessons for successful relationships, no how to do it manuals because we are all individuals with different types of baggage, different sizes and different levels of insight into our own personal issues. In many cases we live our relationships as our parents may have lived theirs, for some that will be a good thing, for others it could be the opposite of what we want for our own relationship.
Our personal issues are the single biggest reason why we struggle to have a happy, long lasting relationship, it’s not the fading of the ‘love drug’ as most people know, the in love stage is simply that, a beautiful but temporary period in a longer lasting journey together. so knowing and resolving our own issues is important within a relationship.Read More
But what about our partner, the person we have chosen to spend our life with, maybe they have personal issues too. Its a fact that we don’t really get to know people very well until we are living with them and the flame has faded, when the love drug has diminished, that’s when such problems usually show themselves.
For people thinking about getting married or entering into a civil partnership, before you say ‘I Do’ it’ may be wise and helpful to have some relationship coaching, to look at ways of helping each other through the challenges ahead and exploring any possible difficulties before they develop into a relationship nightmare.
Maybe you have already started to plan your wedding or civil partnership, this will be an exciting and most likely a stressful time with lots to arrange. If you are fortunate enough to have friends, family and the finances to pay people to help you with some of ‘the must’ have wedding day frills, this will seem like a necessary price to pay for what will be a perfect day. You may however still be under a great deal of stress.
So what about the most important frill, the connection and love between you and your loved one, how will that cope under the pressures which lay ahead, will the connection grow stronger through every challenge won, or will the challenges of life cast a shadow over the love and relationship which started out so perfect.
Many brides and husbands to be are now looking ahead and considering relationship coaching, either on their own and later as a couple, or as a couple with an online relationship coach. Some have even added relationship coaching to their wedding lists to cover the costs. It makes a lot of sense actually, you wouldn’t expect to be a great driver without having lessons first would you!
The transition from being single and thinking only of your own needs, to making a hopefully lifelong commitment to your partner and living as one is a very big life change, no change as big as this can go without a hitch. Often after the wedding day and the honeymoon have become distant memories and a more everyday pattern of living and sharing everything has taken the place of the ‘in love’ times, pressures of the new relationship and how it changes both of you can create inner conflict.
If you know what to expect and how your relationship will grow and change over time, then you will be better prepared to deal with it and adapt more easily to the unavoidable changes in yourself and in the relationship.
Talking to a professional who understands attachment (the way we connect with others) and relationships, is the best way to prepare for a successful relationship, civil partnership or marriage and not least do your very best to join the ever growing number of couples who find the pressures too much to handle.
Relationship coaching is far more effective than marriage counselling, being proactive in your relationship is a lot easier than being reactive and having to deal with troubles after they have become a problem.
Paul Parkin is an experienced online counsellor and life coach with 15 years of experience in the relationship and marriage counselling field.
I offer online counselling to clients around the globe (including: England, Belgium, India, Korea, Thailand and even traveller’s who move around from one country to another)
I have worked both face to face and online. I have knowledge and understanding of attachment theory (the way we emotionally connect with others) and how human beings think and behave, this makes me the perfect choice for the relationship coaching and advice that is helpful for people about to make a committed relationship.
I help people identify any possible future problem areas within their relationship and then work with clients to address these factors which can affect how we live and exist with ourselves and with others. Most relationships are complex and an increased understanding re yourself will help you to have a happy and successful relationship.
testimonial from one of my clients
“Paul has been great help and support in our couple therapy. Access online made it possible for us to continue working on our issues no matter where we were. He made us realise how important individual emotional wellbeing is when in relationship. His ongoing support in between sessions is something you normally don’t get from a therapist.”
E.S. – September 2019, UK