Bereavement counselling, Loss and Grief

In the few hours or days following the death of someone significant, most people feel simply stunned, or in shock, as though they cannot believe it has actually happened. They may feel like this even if the death has been expected, such as in a long illness.

This sense of emotional numbness can be somewhat helpful in getting through all the important practical arrangements that have to be made, such as getting in touch with relatives and organising the funeral, burial, cremation or other death related ceremony. However, this feeling of unreality may become a problem if it goes on too long

Seeing the body of the dead person may, for some, be an important way of beginning to accept this, getting some closure. Similarly, for many people, the funeral, cremation or memorial service is an occasion when the reality of what has happened really starts to sink in.

It may be distressing to see the body or attend the funeral or cremation, but these are ways of saying goodbye to those we love.

At the time, these things may seem too painful to go through and so are not attended by some people. However, not attending can often lead to a sense of deep regret in future years and an interruption in the grieving cycle.

Soon though, this numbness disappears and may be replaced by a dreadful sense of agitation, of pining or yearning for the deceased person. There may be a feeling of wanting somehow to find them, even though this is clearly impossible.

This makes it difficult to relax or concentrate and it may be difficult to sleep properly. Dreams may be extremely disturbing. Some people feel that they ‘see’ their loved one everywhere they go, in the street, the park, around the house, anywhere they had spent time together.

People often feel very angry at this time, often towards doctors and nurses who did not prevent the death, towards friends and relatives who did not do enough, or even towards the person who has left them.

Another common feeling is guilt, people may find themselves going over in their minds all the things they would have liked to have said or done. They may even consider what they could have done differently that might have prevented the death.

Of course, death is usually beyond anyone’s control and a bereaved person may need to be reminded of this. Guilt may also arise if a sense of relief is felt when someone has died after a particularly painful or distressing illness.

This feeling of relief is natural, extremely understandable and very common. Bereavement counselling can help you work through these complex feelings.

As time passes, the intense feelings of loss may begin to fade. The depression lessens and it is possible to think about other things and even to look again to the future. However, the sense of having lost a part of oneself never goes away entirely.

For bereaved partners there are constant reminders of the loss of their relationship, in seeing other couples together and from the deluge of media images of happy families. After some time it is possible to feel whole again, even though a part is missing.

Even so, years later you may sometimes find yourself talking as though he or she were still here with you. Bereavement counselling is appropriate at any time, it may be weeks, months or years after, but it always helps to talk to a bereavement counsellor.

These stages of mourning often overlap and show themselves in different ways in different people. Most recover from a major bereavement within one or two years.

The final phase of grieving is a letting go of the person who has died and the start of a new sort of life.

Having said all this, there is no correct way of grieving. We are all individuals and have our own particular ways of grieving. Bereavement counselling is therefore personalised to your needs.

In addition, people from different cultures deal with death in their own distinctive ways. Over the centuries, people in different parts of the world have worked out their own ceremonies for coping with death.

In some communities death is seen as just one step in the continuous cycle of life and death rather than as an end. The rituals and ceremonies of mourning may be very public and demonstrative, or private and quiet.

In some cultures the period of mourning is fixed, in others not. The feelings experienced by bereaved people in different cultures may be similar, but their ways of expressing them are very different. Bereavement counselling from someone who understands your culture is essential.

Why do we have to suffer like this?

If human beings were not the social creatures we are, then grief and loss would be so much less painful.

Compared to other species, we attach ourselves to our families and friends for longer and in more close emotionally ways. We are born into families and they are extremely important to us.

It is part of our human blueprint to form strong bonds of caring and affection with other people, family and friends.

The attachments that draw us to each other are so deep rooted in our nature. We respond to these connections in powerful ways. We feel upset and hurt when we are lonely and bereft of companionship, we have a strong and undeniable need to connect wholly with others.

When things are going well in our social networks, things are wonderful, the connected-ness feels satisfying and we feel a part of something bigger.

Generally speaking we’re not loners, we are dependant on others. People friends and family are part of us. When we lose someone we love from our lives, we lose part of who we are. Grief is the process by which our minds heal this hurt.

In order to move forward and thrive again, we need to accept and let go of our loved one and continue to connect with others.

Of course there is still sadness, but it is a wistful sadness that is tempered by the happy memories that we still possess. Bereavement counselling can help you move forward