Parenting your Teenager

As Parents it's sometimes difficult to know where you stand with Teenagers. 
As Children, they looked up to you for everything, now they want you to drop them round the corner so you won't embarass them in front of their friends, but they still need Love and Support and someone to Listen to them.
As your Child grows up, your Relationship changes.
With a Teenager on your hands, what can you expect to see?

How it used to be

As a Parent, you used to be a very Powerful figure.
You knew everything about your Child's life, they listened wide eyed to what you said and believed it all.
You made the decisions about their life, if you insisted that something be done, it got done.
You knew what was best for your Child and they accepted it.

How it is now

With a Teenager, things are totally different.
Once they turned to you for Help and Advice, now it's the Opinion of Friends that matters.
Once you knew everything, now you know nothing about anything important, like Music, Friends, Relationships and Fashion. 
In working out what he believes in, your Teenager's first step may be rejection of your values.
Sceptical and Challenging of your Authority, your Teenager will resist your attempts to Control them.

Where it's going

Good Parents work themselves out of a job.
They take a baby who is totally Dependent and turn them into a Competent Adult who can manage their own life.
This process involves stepping back as the growing Child takes on more and more control of their own life

What your Teenager wants from you

Despite the Bravado and the Mantra 'It's my life', your Teenager still needs your Support, your Understanding, and finally Freedom.
Remember, underneath the clothes, make-up, hair or whatever it is you don't like, they are still the same person.
They may talk a lot about Freedom but they are still making the Transition to Adulthood, and want your Help and Guidance on the way.

Your Love And Support

Teenagers struggle with Identity: What do other people think about me? What do I believe in?
The list of things Teens worry about is long - Appearance, Popularity, Lack Of Confidence, the Future.  Friends are very important and Rejection or Criticism by the Peer Group is Hurtful and leads to Feelings of Uncertainty and Lack of Self-Worth.
At the same time, they are put under increasing pressure to Succeed Academically.
When crises occur, your Teenager needs you to believe in them.

Someone To Listen

The one skill a Parent of a Teenager needs above all others is the ability to Listen.
Parents should use their ears and mouth in proportion - listen twice as much as you speak and try to Understand the situation from your Teenager's point of view.

'Listen' doesn't mean 'agree'

This doesn't mean you will agree with or accept everything your Teen says.
You will still have your own viewpoint, but by listening you show a willingness to try to Understand.

Listen to me and I'll listen to you

If your Teen seems likely to make a decision you don't like, don't give unsolicited Advice, Criticise, Lecture or Boss.
If it's not an important decision, then you will get credit for Listening and Accepting your Teen's right to make up their own mind.
This will stand you in good stead when a really important decision is under discussion.
The fact that you Listen to her will encourage them to Listen to you and maybe they will be influenced by what you have to say.

Letting go

When your Child learned to ride a bicycle, the time came to let go of the saddle, even though you feared your child might fall off and hurt her/himself.
Similarly, as a Parent of a Teen, you have to let go and take the risk that your Teenager will make a mistake. Experience is the best Teacher. All of us learn from the Consequences of our decisions.
Without this Learning, your Teenager won't become a Fully Functioning Independent Adult. 

 

Listening, So Your Teenagers will Talk 

In a group as intimate as a Family, it's easy to think that you've heard it all before, that you know what your Teenagers think - or what they should think.

Don't assume you already know

Children grow up and develop their own views.
It's a new situation now, your Teenager may regard your views as old-fashioned and outdated.
If you want to have any kind of dialogue with your Teen, you have to recognise that they have their own strongly held opinions.

Pay attention to the message not the messenger

While Listening to our Teens, we may notice that they have a slight cold, need a haircut or want to correct their pronunciation.
Concentrate on what they are saying - forget how they look and how they're speaking.
Give your Teenager the courtesy of giving them your full attention.

Don't let your feelings block your ears

There are many Emotional 'Triggers' that can stop us from Listening.
Talking about Drugs and Sex is difficult and, instead of Listening, Parents easily fall into the trap of Lecturing and Warning.
Chances are, your Teen has heard the Lecture and had the Warning already.
What they want is Information and Advice about something that Concerns them.
When you Feel Angry, Worried or Anxious about what you are hearing, make a Conscious effort to control your Feelings and Listen.

Listening is not the same as agreeing

As you Listen to your Teen, you may realise that you are never going to agree with them.
But don't stop Listening.
When they have finished, state briefly and unemotionally what you think they have said.
Then get them to agree that you have properly understood.
Then tell them that you do understand, but you still don't agree.
They won't like it; they will probably accuse you of not Listening, but at least you have done them the courtesy of Listening properly and it is possible that you'll get some credit for that.
This method of listening is adapted from 'How to Talk so Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Pay attention

The first step in Active Listening is to be Attentive.
Stop whatever it is you're doing and give your Teenager with your Full Attention.
Acknowledge what is being said
Acknowledge what is said with a brief Listening Response: Yeah? Oh, Mmmm..... and then wait.
Don't jump in with Advice, Solutions, Put Downs, Lectures or Sermons.
Your non-committal response allows your Teen to continue to explore their own Thoughts and Feelings.

Name the Feeling

Underlying many things your Child says to you is an Unexpressed Feeling.
To enable your Teenager to Express the Feeling, give the Feeling a name.
An example of this is given below:
Teen: This maths project sucks.
Mother: Mmnn?
Teen: It's boring.
Mother: You're not in the mood for it?
Teen: No. I can't do these equations. They're stupid.
Mother: Sounds like you're having problems?
Teen: Yes.. (tells mother what she's giving her trouble)
This mother listened and allowed her Teenager to Express her Anxieties.
She didn't butt in with Reassurances (Oh, it'll be okay if you concentrate on it) nor orders (Get on with your project now!) nor did she deny her Teen's Feelings (Maths has always been your best subject).
By naming Feelings, she encouraged her to Talk through her Worries.

If Parenting has become a battle of witts, you are probably going to get nowhere, you will isolate yourself from your child and your Child will be left without that one person who can look out, Support and Protect them. 

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