I am going to talk about my childhood. I don’t think it’s about me being bullied, it’s about life and humanity. I was being bullied and I also bullied others as well, even though I didn’t realise it.
For as long as I can remember, I was clinging to my mother. I have one brother and he hated me. My father, I can’t remember that we had any meaningful conversation at all, not even casual conversation. In my childhood years, I only had my mother in my world and no one else.
Thinking about it now makes my heart ache. I trusted my mother so much, I always listened to her and believed what she said to me. Now, I wonder if what she said was really true or was it just a lie of omission. She told me bad things about my father. Such as he was collecting tons of porn magazines, he went to foreign countries for a long periods of time without telling my mom or me, he lost so much money because he had an affair with another woman and she borrowed my father’s money and then run away.
She didn’t protect my childhood and exposed me to an adult world because she wanted me to take her side. I feel so disappointed in her when I think about this and I am also in deep pain. ‘How could she do that to me?’ is my question, will I ever get the answer from her mouth. I think she was so selfish.
She was with me when she wanted to be. I feel she never done her parenting, but took me everywhere when she wanted only, she saw me as a tiny cute thing that she could play with when she was bored. Now she has a little cute dog to play with, she doesn’t need me that much anymore.
She took me to department stores often back then and what I had to do is to walk around with her while she was shopping for her new clothes. She was shopping for really long periods of time. I couldn’t go back home myself and I had to wait for her. When I asked her how many minutes longer I have to wait, she then said just a few more minutes or 5 minutes or 10 minutes but she lied. It always took more 1-2 hours before she was really satisfied and ready to go home. I was helpless. I couldn’t do anything but walk around with her and flattered her about the clothes. Talking about this makes me want to cry but there are no tears. I think I am crying inside. I was frustrated. I couldn’t do anything to get what I needed, go home and rest. She has never thought about my needs.
She also left me with one of my uncles. I thought he was nice to me. When I look back, he introduced me to adult things. At such a young age, he let me play cards that had nude girls on them. He brought me to a restaurant that had porn posters on the walls. He let me play computer games that had women strippers in it. I feel dirty. I feel disgusted. What he had done to me was so wrong and he didn’t do it in private. Others saw those things happened but no one, including my parents protected me from that. I feel that my childhood is robbed from me. Those adults used me as a tool, not a human being. I was violated. I am so resentful.
Another uncle, he always destroyed my stuff. Not only mine but my brother’s too. Anything new we got, they would be destroyed in an evil way. New books set ripped apart. My new magic tool – Broken. I hate him so much because he was evil and he still is. He should just not do it.
I tried to be friendly. I tried to get along. I tried to make friend with my brother. I pleased my uncle. No one talked to me with reasons because they were all having secrets and there were warfare going on my the family. I feel used. I feel neglected. They neglected me even though I didn’t have to worry about my physical wellbeing. I always got clothes, never hungry, went to cinema, etc. But my feelings were neglected. My needs were neglected. I was never really happy. I was always sad. I always smiled and I was always playful but inside I was dying, I was in sorrow.
I needed a happy family. I wanted to feel safe in my home. I never got that. I was always in fear that I would make someone in the house upset and then I would be the target of blame for their insecurities. They left me alone only when I was good and whenever I broke their code of ethics, no one in that family protected me at all, including my parents. Actually, father was never there for me. He was a stranger and in my perception, he was my mother’s enemy.
At school, the classmate hid my shoes and laughed at me while I was finding them. No teachers protected me from that. Teachers punished me because my classmates did something wrong. I had to listen to those teachers nonsense about why we, as student, had to obey that rule or this rule. It’s ridiculous. No one tried to understand me. I’ve never felt connected to anyone. I couldn’t rely on anyone but myself. No one told me what was happening in my life.
Maybe, I can talk more about my life in school later but now it seems like a black hole that start to have some light shining into it. I am overwhelmed with resentment and shame both for what others have done to me and for what I have done. Can I get my redemption? I still don’t know.
D – March 2014
